So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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