I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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