I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
