Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
if i can run in heels then i can drive
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Randomize
