Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
