Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The air was thick with penises
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
