you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
