I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
