I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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