I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
