I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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