if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
we made out on top of his cat.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
