...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
