You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
