theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
