I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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