Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
