got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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