You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
