I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
