is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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