wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I can't turn off my feet"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
