we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
