I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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