i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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