My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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