1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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