Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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