dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
