Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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