Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
