that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
