he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
