I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
