my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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