so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
