haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
