so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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