Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
