Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
