this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
