After last night, I could never be a politician.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
