Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
