3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
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it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
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How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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