my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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