My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
