Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
