then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
