he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
