Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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