I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
