i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
