So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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