I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
