You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
