you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
