I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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