dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
where am i from again
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
